i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
