awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
