I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
