i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
