Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
