Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
