I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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