well I can't set my house on fire every night
farters have to be the big spoon...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
