WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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