1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
