He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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