quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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