My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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