Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Life is so much better after having sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
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Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier