When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
