Farmville is her only friend.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.