I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
