I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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