ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
