I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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