FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
