I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
