If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
