nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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