A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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