I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
