Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
