i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
