I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
