I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize