I am spending my child support on dildos
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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