Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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