why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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