People in love make me want to vomit
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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