the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
