Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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