She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
