Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
