I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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