but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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