apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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