Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
