I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
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He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
that is very illegal...i love you.
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