i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
