swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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