Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
