the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
