Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
