You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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