when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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