My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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