My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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