Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sext me about skeletons
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
