I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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