ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
