Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
