I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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